Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” That's from Will Rogers.

Truly, laughter is the best medicine, and funny quotes are pills. Wry, dry, sarcastic, cynical, witty, cheeky or candid, there's no denying the power of a funny quote to tickle...well, what else but the funny bone. These quotes are a few that appeal to your sense of humor:

  1. “I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.” -Robert Paul
  2. “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.” -Steven Wright
  3. “If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” -Aristotle
  4. “Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.” -Mark Twain
  5. “When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.” -Gracie Allen
  6. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” -Wendell Johnson
  7. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” -Benny Hill
  8. “My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.” -Bob Hope
  9. “Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.” -Kathy Lette
  10. “In my sentences I go where no man has gone before...I am a boon to the English language.” -George W. Bush
  11. “The report of my death was an exaggeration.” -Mark Twain
  12. “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.” -Bill Cosby
  13. “A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.” -Nancy Reagan
  14. “Never take a blind date to a silent film.” -Geoffrey Parfitt
  15. “Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl... or boy.” -Adam Sandler
  16. “The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.” -Marty Feldman
  17. “If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” -Robin Williams
  18. “If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.” -Groucho Marx
  19. “The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.” -Will Rogers
  20. “I can resist everything except temptation.” -Oscar Wilde